Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Shoes of Grief

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

Would have been 4 yrs old now!


Today I reflect back and wonder how different today might have been had the precious little baby I was carrying would have been born and what he/ she would have looked like on his/her 4th birthday. Unfortunately that little life was not meant to be here on earth. My precious baby left us on Oct 4th 2004, but today would have been the expected due date...May 20th. It's one of those days that I anticipate every year with a sadness. Instead of having a birthday to celebrate, I have a day to reflect. This time 4 yrs ago me and my husband planted a beautiful maple tree outside of our bedroom window, each year I have watched it grow, I have noticed a robin or two use it to build a nest and lay eggs, I have watched the beautiful flame red and salmon colored leaves in the autumn fall to the ground...that tree may not represent much to the common passer by in the neighborhood, but to me, it means a lot. I know one day I will be able to see and hold that little baby in Heaven, but for now, I have a tree to nuture and watch grow.

God did bless me with two more beautiful, vibrant and healthy children and for that I am thankful. But for now I just want to say Happy Birthday my Angel!